It’s day 4 of Diabetes Blog Week and today’s assignment is “fantasy diabetes device.”
The Snapper: Painless Insulin Dosing at the Snap of Your Fingers
It’s now the era of The Snapper, a painless, bloodless, and snazzy way for people with diabetes to dose insulin. This newly FDA approved device was conceived by Jessica Apple, who was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in 2008. Unable to bear the sight of her own blood, and tremendously afraid of needles, Jessica decided to find a new way to do what her pancreas couldn’t. Thinking back to the scratch-and-sniff stickers she collected as a child, she realized that a sticker could do far more than just stick. If it could contain a scent, why could it not contain insulin?
What exactly is The Snapper?
The Snapper is a round sticker about the size of a nickel. It adheres to the body with a hypoallergenic glue that is infused with nanoparticles of insulin.
How does The Snapper work?
- Select a color: The Snapper is available in 18 of your favorite colors so that you can coordinate with your outfits. (We regret that The Snapper is no longer available in red as the FDA received several reports of diabetes patients pasting a commonly consumed fish known as Red Snapper to their arms, expecting it to release insulin.)
- Stick The Snapper to your body, anywhere you please.
- Ready to eat? Just snap your fingers and The Snapper will release insulin which will be absorbed through your skin.
Will The Snapper release insulin if someone else snaps?
No. The Snapper releases insulin only when the person wearing The Snapper snaps. If you are a parent who would like to snap for your child, you must hold your child’s hand and snap. At this time remote snapping is not available.
What if I can’t snap? We offer snapping classes free of charge.
How does The Snapper know how much insulin to release? The Snapper understands the importance of communication in a relationship. It simply asks your blood how much sugar is in it. Sample conversation:
TS: Yo. Blood. Whus up? Gimme the sugar count.
B: Snapster! We’re at 135 and climbing.
TS: Head’s up. She’s got the cookies.
B: I’m totally feeling that shit. Send me that good stuff to take the sweet pain away.
TS: You got it.
B: Normalize me, Snapdaddy.
TS: Five units comin at ya.
No more bodily discordance. The Snapper facilitates harmony within you by encouraging friendly dialogue between your fluids, organs, and tissue. Your cells will stop attacking each other. Inflammation caused by furious cells will be reduced when the cells begin to share just what it is that makes them so irate. No more cellular secrets. It may be too late for your pancreas, but thanks to The Snapper, that’s where it ends.
What if my blood doesn’t speak English? The Snapper can be customized to speak any language.
When listening to your favorite music, take care not to snap along. Should you accidently snap, you can shut off The Snapper by pushing it like a button. Should you fail to do that, there is still no real worry of hypoglycemia as your blood will shout to The Snapper, “Hey Dumbass, we’re at 60 in here. Stop the flow.”
Please remove The Snapper before dancing Flamenco.
Note: This not a real device. This post is intended as a joke. I cannot provide you with The Snapper or any other medical device.