{"id":1786,"date":"2009-10-22T13:02:55","date_gmt":"2009-10-22T17:02:55","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/asweetlife.org\/?p=1786"},"modified":"2015-12-30T06:09:52","modified_gmt":"2015-12-30T11:09:52","slug":"halloween-smackdown-09","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/asweetlife.org\/?p=1786","title":{"rendered":"Halloween Smackdown \u201809"},"content":{"rendered":"

Regular versus sugar-free candy — who will win?<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Full disclosure:\u00a0 I\u2019m not diabetic.\u00a0 But my step-sister is \u2014 and in point of fact, she learned <\/em>that she was diabetic after over-gorging on Halloween candy at age ten.\u00a0 This did not stop her from occasionally over-gorging on Halloween candy in later years, with occasional predictably bad (read:\u00a0 insulin shock) results.\u00a0 My step-sister still loves candy, and I myself am a fan.\u00a0 Thus, I am personally aware that candy is\u2026\u00a0 not so great for diabetics.\u00a0 On the other hand, this is supposed to be an article about Halloween, and if Halloween isn\u2019t about candy, then what is <\/em>it about?\u00a0 \u2026Paganism?\u00a0 \u2026Wiccanism?\u00a0 \u2026Girls dressing up like skanky witches?\u00a0 Those all seemed like bad options to me, so I went with candy.<\/p>\n

With that in mind, I decided to review a bunch of regular and sugar-free candy.\u00a0 It was at this point that I remembered that I actually kind of like candy more in the abstract.\u00a0 Sort of the way that I abstractly pretend to love the Democratic Party, while actually hating Nancy Pelosi in reality.\u00a0 \u2026Or the way that I abstractly pretend to think that David Foster Wallace is a great writer, but in real life, I just can\u2019t stand reading his novels.<\/p>\n

What I\u2019m trying to say here is that I quickly realized that I haven\u2019t actually eaten a whole lot of candy in \u2014 well \u2014 years, at least, even though candy supposedly rocks.\u00a0 But as a professional writer, I must make sacrifices, and so I was given a bunch of free candy, and then was forced to eat it.\u00a0 \u2026And so.\u00a0 Let\u2019s begin.<\/p>\n

_____<\/p>\n

\"HersheyBar\"<\/a>Hershey\u2019s Bar: <\/strong>I actually grew up right outside Hershey, Pennsylvania, home of the chocolate factory and of Hershey Park.\u00a0 This might sound like a great place for a kid to grow up, full of chocolate and candy and magic and rainbows, but if that\u2019s what you think, then you\u2019ve definitely never been to rural Pennsylvania.<\/p>\n

So anyway, biting into my first Hershey\u2019s bar in more than a year gave me the definite sensation of, \u201cYep, this is what chocolate tastes like; I remember now<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 And chocolate is <\/em>tasty.\u00a0 But let\u2019s face it; the Hershey\u2019s bar is no one\u2019s favorite <\/em>candy bar.\u00a0 It\u2019s just too generic to achieve that exalted state.\u00a0 It\u2019s like if your top picks for hottest girl ever are Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie.\u00a0 Bleh.\u00a0 Boring, dude!\u00a0 Too unoriginal.\u00b9\u00a0 No one cares.<\/p>\n

Biting into a sugar-free Hershey bar, by way of contrast\u2026\u00a0 also wasn\u2019t that bad.\u00a0 Yeah, there was a definite blandness factor there, but if I hadn\u2019t been really paying attention, I wouldn\u2019t really have noticed or cared too much.\u00a0 I mean, I certainly wouldn\u2019t compare it to prison food or anything awful like that.\u00a0 So\u2026\u00a0 Regular Grade:\u00a0 B.\u00a0 Sugar-free Grade:\u00a0 C-plus.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"reese's\"<\/a>Reese\u2019s Peanut Butter Cups: <\/strong>Man, Reese\u2019s Cups are delicious.\u00a0 If you\u2019re expecting me to make fun of Reese\u2019s Cups in any way, then prepare yourself for a world of disappointment.\u00a0 \u2026But as a side-note, I might mention that I was initially very impressed with my local drug store\u2019s stock of sugar-free candy (because I wasn\u2019t even sure that they would have any), and then quickly became less and less impressed.\u00a0 \u2026Dude?\u00a0 Where\u2019s the sugar-free Butterfingers?\u00a0 Or Three Musketeers?\u00a0 Or Snickers?\u00a0 Out of all\u00a0the potential sugar-free candy on tap, Reese\u2019s Cups were the lone representative that I\u00a0would actually really go for in regular, sugary life.<\/p>\n

As for what they tasted like\u2026\u00a0 regular Reese\u2019s Cups are fantastic and there\u2019s nothing bad to say about them, so let\u2019s move on.\u00a0 \u2026Sugar-free Reese\u2019s Cups\u2026\u00a0 tasted identically delicious,\u00a0 with merely a slight chemical aftertaste, thereby proving for all time that there is nothing bad or funny to say about Reese\u2019s Peanut Butter Cups.\u00a0 Regular Grade:\u00a0 A-plus.\u00a0 Sugar-free Grade:\u00a0 A.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"York<\/a>York Peppermint Patties: <\/strong>When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the cool, crisp sensation<\/a>\u2026\u00a0 that I\u2019m not really a big fan of peppermint.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get me wrong.\u00a0 I\u2019m not majorly <\/em>against peppermint.\u00a0 I mean, I wouldn\u2019t kick it out of bed or anything.\u00a0 But it would never ever be my first choice.<\/p>\n

The nice thing about the York Peppermint Patty is that I only ever want to eat about half of one before the overpowering peppermint thing kicks in and I want to stop.\u00a0 There\u2019s no way I\u2019m ever getting fat off of this particular candy \u2014 \u00a0so that\u2019s a good thing, I guess.\u00a0 \u2026This sort of reminds me of a friend of mine who was on the \u201cDunkin\u2019 Doughnuts Breakfast Sandwich Diet.\u201d\u00a0 She could eat all the sandwiches that she wanted, but \u2014 as she cleverly pointed out \u2014 \u201cThey\u2019re so disgusting that you can never even finish <\/em>one sandwich<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 It worked and she lost weight.\u00a0 I have pretty much the same attitude concerning the York Patty.\u00a0 Regular Grade:\u00a0 D-minus.\u00a0 Sugar-free Grade:\u00a0 D.\u00a0 The sugar-free version was actually slightly blander, and therefore was a better choice.\u00a0 This was a major victory for the sugar-free contingent.\u00b2<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Werther's<\/a>Werther\u2019s Originals: <\/strong>The commercials for Werther\u2019s Originals always used to freak me out.\u00a0 They took place in the \u201cold country\u201d \u2014 which was some imaginary Germany-land where a woman reminisced about being fed Werther\u2019s by her \u201cold timey\u201d grandpa.\u00a0 In\u00a0the commercials,\u00a0her grandpa was this vaguely threateningly Teutonic white-haired dude, and anyway, the commercials just freaked me out.\u00a0 I don\u2019t have the world\u2019s most positive associations with Germans in the first place but \u2013 well, that\u2019s a topic for another time.\u00a0 \u2026And then there were all the images of little blond-haired, blue-eyed German children being fattened up with Werther\u2019s candy, intercut with porn-y shots of caramel pouring out of bubbling cauldrons, and, anyway\u2026\u00a0 ugh. \u00a0As a kid, I found the Werther\u2019s ads to be highly unappealing.<\/p>\n

And speaking of being fattened up, Werther\u2019s heavily advertises \u2014 even on their packages \u2014 the fact that their candy contains fresh cream and <\/em>butter.\u00a0 Urk!\u00a0 Cream and <\/em>butter?\u00a0 Isn\u2019t butter just basically cream that has been churned for a little longer anyway?\u00a0 Is there a way that they could make this candy worse for us?\u00a0 It\u2019s caramel<\/em>, so the only other ingredient is\u2026\u00a0 burnt sugar.\u00a0 I just imagine the Werther\u2019s people standing in a conference room somewhere, discussing this:\u00a0 \u201cOkay, cream, butter, sugar.\u00a0 What else can we throw in there?\u00a0 Some lard, mayhaps?\u00a0 Maybe some pork rinds or fatback?\u00a0 \u2026No, no.\u00a0 Let\u2019s hold off on that for a bit.\u201d<\/p>\n

ANY-way.\u00a0 Was I supposed to talk about how this candy actually tastes?\u00a0 The regular version is delicious, probably because it\u2019s just BUTTER, CREAM, and SUGAR.\u00a0 The sugar-free version is completely awful.\u00a0 It combines the blandness problem with the horrible aftertaste problem with an entirely new problem\u2026\u00a0 that it just feels like plastic in your mouth; and since the sugar-free candy looks like a toilet seat (for some reason), the whole experience exactly approximates the experience of\u00a0licking and sucking on a plastic industrial toilet seat, except I\u2019ve never actually done that in real life, so maybe not.\u00a0 Regular grade:\u00a0 A-minus.\u00a0 Sugar-free grade:\u00a0 D-minus.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Nips\"<\/a>Nips:<\/strong> All right.3 <\/sup> To be honest, neither \u201cWerther\u2019s\u201d nor \u201cNips\u201d are traditional Halloween candy, although you were occasionally given them by very very old people who understood neither the concepts of \u201ccandy,\u201d nor \u201cchildren,\u201d nor \u201chappiness,\u201d nor \u201cjoy.\u201d\u00a0 But I really wanted to make fun of both of these types of candy, hence their inclusion on this list.<\/p>\n

And speaking of old people\u2026\u00a0 Nips were the one candy that was ever served at my great-grandmother\u2019s house.\u00a0 I know that my great-grandmother must have had<\/em> children, since I\u2019m directly related to her, but she didn\u2019t appear to \u201cget\u201d the whole children thing.\u00a0 Also, old Jewish grandmother-type people are supposed to be great cooks, but she just really wasn\u2019t.\u00a0 \u2026And so, after a nice dinner of boiled chicken on toast, the ceremonial dish of Nips would come out, and you could have one or two, while feeling very depressed and wishing that you could have real candy and wishing that you were somewhere else.\u00a0 \u2026My great-grandmother also always served ketchup by pouring it into little cut-crystal decanters instead of just putting the bottle on the table.\u00a0 I know that has nothing at all to do with candy, but it always deeply freaked me out.<\/p>\n

But once again, my snarky desire to make fun of things undid me here.\u00a0 Despite my unpleasant childhood memories of them, Nips\u2026\u00a0 didn\u2019t taste so bad.\u00a0 Maybe my tastes are becoming more \u201cadult\u201d and someday soon I will start having to put ketchup in little cut-crystal glasses; I don\u2019t know.\u00a0 The only thing about Nips is that they\u2019re a major commitment.\u00a0 They don\u2019t dissolve, and you\u2019re stuck with having one in your mouth for like fifteen minutes.\u00a0 They\u2019re like the candy equivalent of a clingy, sophomore year, Goth-y, poetry-writing girlfriend.\u00a0 They just will not <\/em>go away.<\/p>\n

Sugar-free Nips, on the other hand, taste slightly less good than the regular option, but you can also just bite through them, by way of contrast, and make them go away.\u00a0 So for once, both versions of the candy receive the same grade.\u00a0 Regular grade:\u00a0 B-minus.\u00a0 Sugar-free grade:\u00a0 B-minus.<\/strong><\/p>\n

________________________________________________________________________<\/strong><\/p>\n

FOOTNOTES:<\/p>\n

1)\u00a0 Which means, by implication, that Brad Pitt is the most boring person of all time.\u00a0 Sounds plausible to me, I guess.<\/p>\n

2)\u00a0 This also marked the exact point in this experiment where I was already really sick of eating candy.\u00a0 My eight year-old self would have been highly disappointed with me, but, man, this whole experience signaled the death of a particular childhood dream, which was as follows:\u00a0 \u201cMaybe someday I\u2019ll work for a CANDY FACTORY or something and can eat all the candy I ever ever want.\u201d\u00a0 \u2026Nope.\u00a0 That would not actually be fun.<\/p>\n

3)\u00a0 It\u2019s almost too obvious to say, but \u201cNips\u201d is just not a good name for candy.\u00a0 Plus they\u2019re nipple-colored and are the exact same shape as aureoles.\u00a0 I don\u2019t even feel like making a joke here, because the whole thing is just way too blatant.<\/p>\n

Also \u2013 and this ties in with comment No. 2 \u2013 I was way too overconfident entering into this whole candy-eating thing.\u00a0 People were like, \u201cAll that candy!\u00a0 I hope it doesn\u2019t make you sick.\u201d\u00a0 And I said, \u201cDudes.\u00a0 It\u2019s just candy<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 Wrong!\u00a0 I stopped with York Peppermint Patties, and divided this experiment into two days, and I felt sick both <\/em>times.<\/p>\n

Another thing that was mentioned to me was that sugar-free candies give you gas.\u00a0 \u2026Ummm\u2026\u00a0 yes.\u00a0 That also turned out to be accurate, a day later.\u00a0 So maybe go back and decrease all the sugar-free grades to a \u201cC\u201d or lower, depending on your feelings on the whole flatulence issue.<\/p>\n

Oliver Miller<\/strong> has an M.F.A. in fiction from Sarah Lawrence College and has been published in numerous magazines, including Nerve and McSweeney\u2019s.\u00a0 Currently, he writes for The Faster Times<\/a>, and is also working on a book of reviews<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Regular versus sugar-free candy — who will win?
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