Dear Son,<\/p>\n
It seems strange how one day in time can change everything about your life. September 4, 2014 was such a day, when we received the news that you have Type 1 diabetes. Mom and I already suspected the diagnosis due to your constant thirst, hunger, and urination.<\/p>\n
You didn\u2019t do anything to cause this, and neither did we. I hate that diabetes is part of your life and I hate that we have to tell you that you can\u2019t eat something before we check your blood sugar and count the carbohydrates. We hate having to give you shots every day. It\u2019s not fair to you.<\/p>\n
I feel like you can\u2019t be a normal 5 year old because when you want to do something there is always that delay. We will always look out for you, but I hate that we have to watch you like a hawk. I hate that you have to wear a medical alert bracelet. I hate not knowing how you are going to react to the insulin. I hate that there isn\u2019t a clear, cut answer to how much you need. Every time you have a low, I feel like I am doing wrong by you. I hate the extreme fluctuations in your blood sugar. I hate that we have to wake you in the middle of the night to give you sugar. I hate seeing how this affects you. I hate diabetes.<\/p>\n
The most frustrating thing about this is that when I go to work, my job as a firefighter\/paramedic is to fix people\u2019s problems. I get paid to do that, and sometimes, I even get thanked for it. I should be able to fix you and it absolutely kills me that I can\u2019t. I should be able to give you the right answers. I hate knowing that sometimes when I think I am right, I couldn\u2019t be more wrong. I hate the feeling of using you as a science experiment because I constantly have to juggle your numbers.<\/p>\n
If I could trade places with you, I would. I hate that this is not an option. Though I am grateful for the medical devices that we have to help manage this, I hate that you even need them.<\/p>\n
Diabetes is so new, and the pain of it coming into our lives is still fresh. The sleepless nights are the only thing that\u2019s consistent. I hate the feeling of running on fumes. If I don\u2019t stay healthy, I can\u2019t make sure you stay healthy.\u00a0\u00a0 I am trying to put things in place to make sure that you do.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know if your service dog Jellybean is more for me or for you. I do know that he will provide your mother and me some peace of mind, knowing that you will have a buddy looking out for you when we are not with you.<\/p>\n
It is my job to provide every possible thing for you to keep you safe, no matter the cost, and even if some people think it\u2019s overkill. I am your dad. I don\u2019t like it when my decisions are questioned by those who do not live with diabetes. They don\u2019t know, they just don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t like the feeling of grabbing at straws. I hate the unknown variables. I am frustrated with the quality of care in your school district. I shouldn\u2019t have to jump through hoops to make sure that your needs are met. I shouldn\u2019t have to hound the school about getting competent nurses there in a timely fashion. I feel that a better school district, or a private school would have had everything in place as soon as we told them that you have diabetes. I feel that no one is advocating for you. I hate wondering if people are going to think that you are an inconvenience because of diabetes. I hate that I can\u2019t afford to send you to the school I want you to go to, where you would be much better off. You deserve to go there, and you should go there.<\/p>\n
I am mad that I couldn\u2019t sell our house to get you into a better public school district. I am mad that we have to play the school lottery game. I am frustrated that we will have to play again when you move to your next school, and when your brother and sister enter kindergarten. I hope we can find a better solution than what we have now.<\/p>\n
I hate not knowing what to do. I hate not having the correct answer, because there isn\u2019t one. I hate that you have diabetes. You did nothing wrong. No kid should have to deal with this. I know that I am doing all I can, but I still feel that it\u2019s not enough. I don\u2019t know what else to do, except take it day by day. I know I will feel better once we have this managed better. I just hope that happens sooner than later.<\/p>\n
When I have told people about your diagnosis, some have said that it could have been worse. Yes, this is true, but I feel that it is an inappropriate response. This is bad enough. I know sometimes people don\u2019t know how to react, and feel that they need to say something, anything, even if it\u2019s the wrong thing. Perhaps if they found out that their kid had diabetes, and the huge change that it brings, along with the day in and day out worries that go along with it, perhaps their response would be different. Like I said before, unless you live with diabetes, you don\u2019t know, you just don\u2019t know, you have no clue.<\/p>\n
I am trying my best to put up a strong front, because your only worry should be about being a kid. The truth is, this has beaten me down more than I thought anything ever could. I hate that, too. I hate this feeling of weakness. I hate feeling mad all the time, because I am not a mad person.<\/p>\n
I am not a type A person. I don\u2019t even know if I know how to be that type. I\u2019m afraid that in having to be that way, I\u2019m going to unleash a hurricane of rage if I feel that your needs are not being met according to my expectations. Yes, I have extremely high expectations for when you are not under our care, and why shouldn\u2019t I? You are my son, and anything less than the best is unacceptable. The problem is, my level of expectation and my belief and trust in the school system don\u2019t match. As of now, they have to \u201cwow me,\u201d and prove me wrong, and so far, there has not been the \u201cwow factor,\u201d which makes me more frustrated and angry. I am a fair and normally patient person, however, I am not so patient now. I need things to happen yesterday. Tomorrow, or next week doesn\u2019t cut it. I feel like we\u2019re already behind the curve. I feel like no one cares.<\/p>\n
I hate worrying about how other kids are going to treat you, especially as you get older. I hope that no one ever treats you as \u201cdiseased,\u201d and decides not to be your friend. I hate knowing how negatively that could affect you, and I hate that I can\u2019t predict, or change how people will respond to you. It\u2019s not fair to you. None of this is fair. You are not Mason the diabetic, but Mason who happens to have diabetes. This does not define who you are. It\u2019s just something you have. There is no shame in this. Lots of kids have diabetes, and they own it. You can, too. You can be a superhero. You are already one to me. You can be hockey player, a soccer star, or whatever else you want. Diabetes will not beat you. I won\u2019t allow that, not on my watch.<\/p>\n
Your diagnosis has knocked me down, but I\u2019m getting up. I\u2019ve already begun to fight back, and I hit hard. I know that as you understand this more, you will too.<\/p>\n
I wish I had a better way of explaining what is going on, and why it is so important to get a handle on this now. Because of our medical knowledge with mom being a registered nurse, and my work as a firefighter\/paramedic, we know too much. We\u2019ve seen it, and nothing good comes out of poor management.<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t know what else to say at this point. I wish I could snap my fingers and make this all go away. I hope that within your lifetime, there will be a cure, and you will be able to say to people I used to have diabetes.<\/p>\n
I love you.<\/p>\n
Daddy<\/p>\n
![\"Mason](\"https:\/\/asweetlife.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/11\/Mason-Hockey.jpg\")
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