<\/p>\n
Years ago, after friends and acquaintances in my little community learned about my son\u2019s type 1 diabetes diagnosis, just about everyone\u2019s knee-jerk comment was, \u201cyou need to talk to\u201d one particular woman\u2014who, in this article, we\u2019ll call \u201cCathy,\u201d due to the lack of anonymity in said \u201clittle community.\u201d Cathy\u2019s child had been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes more than a decade earlier, when he was an infant. Her son\u2019s diagnosis was a terrifying ordeal of a sickness repeatedly misdiagnosed; when he was finally airlifted to an urban hospital that specialized in pediatric endocrinology\u2014and saved his life\u2014his blood sugar was in the 1,000s.<\/p>\n
It took me a while to contact Cathy. My husband and I first had to find our bearings and figure out how to take care of our little boy on our own terms. We had another toddler, stressful jobs and were far from family who could step in to offer relief or support. When I finally reached out, Cathy and I hit it off immediately\u2014people dealing with a chronic disease like type 1 diabetes seem to belong to their own tribe, what I call an \u201cI Get It\u201d club. Cathy and I understood each other\u2019s worlds. She educated me on dealing with schools, on traveling with diabetes, on expecting my kid to eat us out of house and home after lows. Cathy could carb count with the speed and finesse of a gymnast; she made managing her full, bustling household look easy; she let her kid with diabetes play outside\u2014alone. She sent him to diabetes camp. And it was her son who helped show my little guy that he could do his own finger sticks, that an insulin pump would mean all sorts of freedom. We gathered for play dates and family meals and sometimes the two of us escaped for cocktails.<\/p>\n
So about a year ago, when Cathy confided that she was leaving her husband, I was floored. She\u2019d had enough, she said.<\/p>\n
Now, I want to preface what follows by saying that type 1 diabetes did not ruin Cathy\u2019s marriage. In Cathy\u2019s case, the relationship ended because of what she describes as \u201csystemic dysfunction.\u201d She says, \u201cI was a full-time mom and [my husband] figured his 40-hour work week job was his job. I just did everything. We didn\u2019t talk about it. That\u2019s where the resentment built up.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sure, diabetes was demanding, sometimes overwhelming. Cathy took on all of her son\u2019s nighttime checks, medical appointments, pump set changes and ordering of medical supplies, but \u201cit wasn\u2019t just diabetes,\u201d she says. She was responsible for managing the household as well as everything involving her other kids\u2019 needs.<\/p>\n
\u201c[My husband] was complacent and comfortable. I would have had to be in the hospital for him to step up to the plate and even then he wouldn\u2019t have known what to do. He was never a solution-maker, never contributed in the conversation about how we could manage everything and make it doable for both of us.\u201d<\/p>\n
She says, \u201cI wouldn\u2019t wish a chronic illness on any family.\u201d The stress that comes with it while dealing with everything else \u201ccan bring out characteristics in a partner that were already there, but more magnified.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cathy and I have discussed this at length. She says that if there\u2019s a thread of her experience that can help people, if hers can serve as a cautionary tale, she\u2019ll feel she\u2019s contributed something. And so, to honor her wishes and to support all of us who are juggling life and then some, the following is advice from Dr. Rebecca Ruid, a psychologist at the University of Vermont Medical Center who has worked with hundreds of families dealing with type 1 diabetes.<\/p>\n
Learning that your child has type 1 diabetes is a life-changing event.\u00a0I encourage families to accept this and allow for a period of grief, which includes anger, sadness \u2026 you name it. I encourage parents to observe their emotional responses during this time without judging them or trying to change them.\u00a0Validating our own emotional experiences, as well as those of others, is important in this initial stage.\u00a0Everyone won\u2019t respond in the same way, or at the same time.\u00a0There is no right<\/em> response.<\/p>\n I encourage families coping and adjusting to a new diagnosis to seek support from the multi-disciplinary staff in their clinic, which most often includes a social worker, psychologist and nutritionist in addition to the familiar nurse educators and medical team.\u00a0We have been through this with many families and can offer a neutral party perspective.\u00a0I also encourage families to seek the support of other families who have a child with type I diabetes.\u00a0Connecting in person with other parents\/caregivers who can understand and empathize can be helpful.\u00a0And accessing online forums can also provide support from others who can best understand your experience.<\/p>\n I encourage parents to develop a concrete list of how friends, family and others can help you. Those who care about your family and child want to help but don\u2019t know how. This leads to limited support that is offered, or support that is more of a burden or stress than it is helpful, despite the well-meaning intentions.\u00a0The list may include asking those you often dine with to calculate carbs in the initial weeks to months of the new diagnosis.\u00a0Or requesting that the school nurse contact you via email each day with BG readings for your log.<\/p>\n There isn\u2019t a one-size-fits-all approach to determining roles within a family when it comes to general tasks and responsibilities, such as grocery shopping, paying bills and mowing the lawn. It\u2019s no different for diabetes.\u00a0The key is clear and healthy communication about roles and determining who is responsible for what and when\u2014and communicating exceptions to this. If one parent feels overly burdened by a responsibility, this should be discussed and changes should be made. More often than not, problems within a marriage (poor\/ineffective communication, unhappiness with roles, challenges with problem solving) were present before diabetes arrived in the family.\u00a0Diabetes can bring these to the forefront, or shine a spotlight on them, but diabetes is certainly not to blame for the dissolution of a marriage. It can be detrimental to blame diabetes for marital problems\u2014it can lead to resentment and anger about diabetes, it can lead to guilt on the part of the child with diabetes. It can inhibit learning from challenges and moving forward with more healthy relationships because it places the blame on something external to the two individuals involved.<\/p>\n I encourage caregivers to have date nights.\u00a0Most of us had relationships with our partner before children and we will hopefully have one after our kid(s) successfully launch.\u00a0To do this, we need to maintain that relationship during the more active child-rearing years as well.\u00a0Whether it\u2019s a weekly or monthly date, schedule time for you, as a couple, to connect.\u00a0When you and your partner are connected, communication\u2014both about diabetes and unrelated matters\u2014is better.\u00a0And feeling connected to your partner feels good!<\/p>\n I encourage caregivers to have their own hobbies, interests and activities.\u00a0This may involve fitness, a book club, spa trip, grabbing a drink with friends.\u00a0Though these interests can include the other caregiver\u2014and even the child(ren), at times\u2014this should be \u201cme time.\u201d Yes, these activities take time away from family time, but they are important for maintaining mental wellbeing.\u00a0Not only does this self-care provide time to recharge, but it models healthy balance for our children. Parents are individuals too, with our own interests, coping tools and needs.\u00a0It\u2019s okay to identify and access them. We are only able to parent well when we are well.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" She says, \u201cI wouldn\u2019t wish a chronic illness on any family.\u201d The stress that comes with it while dealing with everything else \u201ccan bring out characteristics in a partner that were already there, but more magnified.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":36,"featured_media":43989,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_relevanssi_hide_post":"","_relevanssi_hide_content":"","_relevanssi_pin_for_all":"","_relevanssi_pin_keywords":"","_relevanssi_unpin_keywords":"","_relevanssi_related_keywords":"","_relevanssi_related_include_ids":"","_relevanssi_related_exclude_ids":"","_relevanssi_related_no_append":"","_relevanssi_related_not_related":"","_relevanssi_related_posts":"","_relevanssi_noindex_reason":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1430,1557],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\nHow to Cope<\/strong><\/h2>\n
A Specific Support List<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Your Role in Caring for Your Child <\/strong><\/h2>\n
Self-care <\/strong><\/h2>\n