\u201cAre you back?\u201d I asked my son, as I always do when he\u2019s had a low blood sugar and then juice.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d he answered.<\/p>\n
I checked him again: 47. Just two digits above where he\u2019d been 15 minutes earlier.<\/p>\n
My son\u2014an eight-year-old with Type 1 diabetes\u2014had been sick with bronchitis for more than two weeks. My husband and I had struggled with managing his diabetes, particularly his relentless highs despite constant corrections through his insulin pump. Between his illness and the holidays\u2014all the carby food that comes with celebrating far from home and our routine\u2014it felt like we\u2019d had a Christmas dominated by diabetes.<\/p>\n
And now, a week later, back in our house, in my son\u2019s bed, as I waited for him to \u201ccome back,\u201d I felt like crying\u2014something I rarely do in front of him, in front of anyone. But I\u2019d almost missed this low. It was 9 p.m. I\u2019d checked my son an hour earlier. At that time his blood sugar was slightly high, but relatively stable; I\u2019d given him a correction and made a mental note to check him at 9:30. We had just changed his Dexcom sensor so it needed to calibrate; I knew I wouldn\u2019t have that to rely on for another hour or so.<\/p>\n
I was only there, holding my son, because just before he\u2019d fallen asleep he\u2019d called out, \u201cI feel low!\u201d It was unusual\u2014and lucky\u2014that he was still awake and aware at 9 at night. Once asleep, he never wakes up, regardless of highs or lows. I was terrified by what could have happened in that 30 minutes before I planned to check him.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re almost five years into life with this disease. I can change out my son\u2019s insulin pump set in under a minute (he times me). I can carb count like a master. I\u2019m a nighttime ninja when I go in at all hours to check his blood sugar\u2014just one eye open, in the dark. I can stay relatively\u2014relatively<\/em>\u2014pleasant when the insurance company wrongfully rejects a diabetes-related claim and puts me on hold for an hour. And at this point I\u2019m the face of acceptance and calm when there\u2019s a diabetes-related crisis. Or when there\u2019s just diabetes. Which is all the time.<\/p>\n As I held my son and waited for him to \u201ccome back\u201d\u2014and yes, through the years I envision that during hypoglycemic episodes he does go someplace else, where his arms and legs are tied to bricks, where he seems to slip away from me\u2014I realized that I\u2019ve gone somewhere, too.<\/p>\n Lows aren\u2019t that common for us. Extreme ones, anyway. But they happen, particularly with sickness or some anomaly\u2014be it physical, emotional or food\u2014in our routine. We always get through them. My son comes back. Later, I might have a quick cry in the closet or when I\u2019m alone in the car. Or not. But in some ways these episodes remind me\u2014never mind all the other maintenance stuff\u2014that Type 1 diabetes is a serious condition with potentially scary outcomes.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n Over the holidays, while we were at a family member\u2019s house, my son had a low. I was more wound than usual, worrying, probably too vocally, over what was out of my control. Someone suggested that I \u201crelax.\u201d I knew it came from a place of compassion and love. And I know that unless you live with Type 1 diabetes or someone who has it, you might not get it.<\/p>\n But at the time, the \u201crelax\u201d comment left me devastated. Just an off-handed word, thrown around like the phrases \u201cget over it\u201d or \u201clighten up.\u201d But as I thought about it, as I considered the consequences of stepping off the tightrope that is diabetes\u2014rather, managing diabetes for someone I love\u2014I accepted that I\u2019ll probably never relax.<\/p>\n Back in my son\u2019s bedroom, after he \u201ccame back\u201d\u2014when his blood sugar hovered around 100\u2014I reassured him, squeezed him too tightly and tucked him in. And, in that moment, it was clear that I was the one who was never coming back.<\/p>\n Children change you. Bottomless love takes up a lot of space. But having a kid with a chronic condition adds another layer. In my life now there\u2019s no sleeping through the night, or ignoring those Dexcom alarms, or forgetting to fill prescriptions, or dropping my son off at the pool or cross-country-ski center or play date without a second thought. Some of that will change as he grows up and takes over these responsibilities. Still\u2026<\/p>\n I don\u2019t remember anymore what I was like before this autoimmune disease disrupted our lives. Maybe I was easier, calmer, better, though none of that matters anymore. Right now what matters most is that my son always comes back.\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":36,"featured_media":45671,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_relevanssi_hide_post":"","_relevanssi_hide_content":"","_relevanssi_pin_for_all":"","_relevanssi_pin_keywords":"","_relevanssi_unpin_keywords":"","_relevanssi_related_keywords":"","_relevanssi_related_include_ids":"","_relevanssi_related_exclude_ids":"","_relevanssi_related_no_append":"","_relevanssi_related_not_related":"","_relevanssi_related_posts":"","_relevanssi_noindex_reason":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1430],"tags":[],"yoast_head":"\n