{"id":5802,"date":"2010-03-10T14:43:33","date_gmt":"2010-03-10T19:43:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/asweetlife.org\/?p=5802"},"modified":"2016-01-09T05:44:11","modified_gmt":"2016-01-09T10:44:11","slug":"review-of-still-even-more-diet-sodas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/asweetlife.org\/?p=5802","title":{"rendered":"Review of: Still Even More Diet Sodas"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>Diet Pepsi: <\/strong>According to my past review<\/a> of sodas, I have not yet covered\u00a0the important topic of Diet Pepsi.\u00a0 What a shocking oversight!\u00a0 Anyway, I am taking a sip of it right now.\u00a0 \u2026Hmm.\u00a0 It tastes pretty much like Diet Coke.\u00a0 So, in other words, like sugar-water mixed with crushed-up aspirin, except it\u2019s slightly sweeter than Diet Coke.<\/p>\n

I feel like I\u2019m running out of clever words with which to describe diet sodas, and that\u2019s a concern.\u00a0 In other news, I currently work part-time at a wine store, and all I ever do is lie.\u00a0 Which is what I feel like I should do with Diet Pepsi.\u00a0 People at my store ask me about wine, and I don\u2019t even like wine that much.\u00a0 So I lie.\u00a0 And the thing that I\u2019ve learned about lying about how something tastes is that you need to be imaginative.\u00a0 Someone asks me about, say, a red wine, and I\u2019m like:\u00a0 \u201cOh, it has a strong bouquet of shale.\u00a0 With an undercurrent of\u00a0oak.<\/em>\u201d\u00a0 This is a perfect lie, because it\u2019s meaningless.\u00a0 Wine can\u2019t<\/em> taste like a rock with an undercurrent of a tree.\u00a0 But the lie sounds fantastic and profound.\u00a0 \u2026Anyway, to bring us back to base \u2014 Diet Pepsi has a strong undercurrent of Diet Coke.\u00a0 Except with a less good advertising revenue.\u00a0 And so it gets a grade <\/strong>of:\u00a0 C.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Caffeine Free Diet Coke: <\/strong>\u2026Which is the only soda that my girlfriend ever drinks.\u00a0 My question here being:\u00a0 \u201cWhy?<\/em>\u201d\u00a0 No sugar and no caffeine and <\/em>it tastes bad.\u00a0 Why not just give up soda altogether?\u00a0 There are plenty of other drinks, after all.\u00a0 I hate people who can\u2019t make a choice like that; it\u2019s why I like atheists better than agnostics.\u00a0 So okay, diet soda, fine.\u00a0 (Especially if you\u2019re a, um, diabetic.)\u00a0 But no caffeine<\/em>?\u00a0 Isn\u2019t soda just basically a caffeine delivery system?\u00a0 \u2026Dante reserved a special place in Hell for the indecisive, and that\u2019s what I think the lovers of Caffeine Free Coke are:\u00a0 indecisive.\u00a0 Or, as Yoda once said:\u00a0 \u201cDo, or do not.\u00a0 There is no \u2018try.<\/em>\u2019\u201d\u00a0 \u2026Oh, wise little Yoda.<\/p>\n

Anyway, what were we talking about?\u00a0 \u2026Oh, the soda itself?\u00a0 It tastes bad.\u00a0 Grade:\u00a0 C-minus.<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Coke Zero: <\/strong>For centuries, philosophers have been fascinated with the concept of \u201czero.\u201d\u00a0 How can a number be a number and yet not a number?\u00a0 \u2026If you know what I mean.\u00a0 \u2026And did you know that \u201czero,\u201d as an idea, wasn\u2019t even invented until the 13th century \u2014 5,000 years after all the other numbers were invented?\u00a0 (This is just the kind of pointless information that you\u2019ll learn while reading these reviews, and you\u2019re welcome.)<\/p>\n

Anyway, the idea of \u201czero\u201d!\u00a0 It\u2019s impressive, maybe.\u00a0 It is a thing\u2026\u00a0 and yet it is not a thing.\u00a0 Like, for example, how many enormous wild tigers do you have in your apartment right now?\u00a0 Zero: I\u2019m guessing.\u00a0 But is that something<\/em>?\u00a0 Don\u2019t you almost always <\/em>have zero tigers in your apartment?\u00a0 So what does it mean <\/em>to point that out?\u00a0 Is there a point?\u00a0 Or no point?\u00a0 \u2026Think about all of this for too long, and you\u2019ll go crazy.\u00a0 And so, \u201cCoke Zero,\u201d we must pause to salute you.\u00a0 You are something, and yet you are nothing.\u00a0 You embody contraction.<\/p>\n

\u2026As for the taste of \u201cCoke Zero\u201d itself, it tastes like slightly better Diet Coke.\u00a0 And so, in conclusion, whatever.\u00a0 Grade:\u00a0 B-minus<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Spirit Zero: <\/strong>Let\u2019s not talk about that whole \u201czero\u201d thing again!\u00a0 So\u2026\u00a0 Sprite.\u00a0 Hmm.\u00a0 The slogan is \u201cObey Your Thirst.\u00a0 Drink Sprite<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 Wow.\u00a0 Soda slogans are pretty fascist, aren\u2019t they?\u00a0 \u201cYOUR PATHETIC WHIMS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.\u00a0 DRINK YOUR SPRITE, SLAVE!\u201d\u00a0 \u2026Yay.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d make a terrible advertiser, I guess, because I\u2019m wussy like that.\u00a0 My slogan would be:\u00a0 \u201cPerhaps maybe you\u2019d enjoy a small sip of Sprite, if you\u2019re not doing anything else right now?\u00a0 \u2026Or not? Anyway, sorry for bothering you<\/em>.\u201d\u00a0 \u2026But then, I\u2019m pretty wussy.<\/p>\n

Anyway, Sprite Zero tastes\u2026\u00a0 shockingly good.\u00a0 For once I\u2019m going to drop the irony here.\u00a0 I\u2019d never tried it before, but it tastes just like a normal soda, with no \u201cdiet\u201d taste whatsoever, except it\u2019s less grossly sweet than normal sodas, which is actually an improvement.\u00a0 Well done, Sprite Zero!\u00a0 Grade:\u00a0 A<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Diet Sunkist<\/strong>:\u00a0 Whoa.\u00a0 Holy crud.\u00a0 They still make Sunkist<\/em>?\u00a0 Color me very surprised.\u00a0 I haven\u2019t thought about Sunkist since 1985, at least, and really, I associate the soda with the 80s, and bad commercials with girls in bikinis and that \u201cGood Vibrations\u201d song.<\/p>\n

Honestly, I guess I just don\u2019t go to the supermarket often enough, because they had a lot of stuff that I didn\u2019t think still existed.\u00a0 \u2026Like Deviled Ham. \u00a0 And \u201cFive Alive.\u201d\u00a0 And \u201cAfter Eight\u201d brand mints.\u00a0 \u2026Whoa.\u00a0 All the forgotten brands of my past.\u00a0 And \u201cJunket\u201d!\u00a0 They even had \u201cJunket\u201d!\u00a0 Do you even remember \u201cJunket\u201d?\u00a0 I bet you don\u2019t.<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s the American supermarket for you; a \u201cmausoleum of all hope and desire,\u201d to quote William Faulkner.\u00a0 (To be honest, I just wanted to squeeze that Faulkner quote in here so that you would think I was smart.)\u00a0 \u2026And as for Sunkist, it also tastes pretty good!\u00a0 Fruit flavors seem to be the winners here with diet sodas.\u00a0 First lemon-lime, and now orange.\u00a0 Kind of surprising.\u00a0 If I ever saw someone with a Sunkist, I\u2019d make fun of them, but still\u2026\u00a0 it’s a pretty good diet soda.\u00a0 Grade:\u00a0 B-plus.<\/strong><\/p>\n

D<\/strong>\"\"<\/a><\/strong>iet A&W<\/strong> Root Beer<\/strong>:\u00a0 Close your eyes.\u00a0 Now take a sip of root beer.\u00a0 Now forget what you\u2019ve just drunk, and ask yourself:\u00a0 \u201cWhat does this actually taste like?\u201d\u00a0 \u2026Answer:\u00a0 toothpaste!\u00a0 \u2026Right?\u00a0 Root beer actually tastes exactly like toothpaste<\/em>.\u00a0 \u2026Bizarre.\u00a0 Someone pointed this out to me once, and it ruined root beer for me forever, because they were right.\u00a0 Anyway, I just wanted to point this out again, so that I could ruin root beer for you too.<\/p>\n

As for Diet <\/em>Root Beer.\u00a0 \u2026Well, do you like the idea of diet toothpaste?\u00a0 If so, then we may have found the soda for you, my friend.\u00a0 Grade:\u00a0 D-minus.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Close your eyes. Now take a sip of root beer. Now forget what you\u2019ve just drunk, and ask yourself: \u201cWhat does this actually taste like?\u201d \u2026Answer: toothpaste! \u2026Right?…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":124,"featured_media":5808,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_relevanssi_hide_post":"","_relevanssi_hide_content":"","_relevanssi_pin_for_all":"","_relevanssi_pin_keywords":"","_relevanssi_unpin_keywords":"","_relevanssi_related_keywords":"","_relevanssi_related_include_ids":"","_relevanssi_related_exclude_ids":"","_relevanssi_related_no_append":"","_relevanssi_related_not_related":"","_relevanssi_related_posts":"","_relevanssi_noindex_reason":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1449],"tags":[600],"yoast_head":"\nReview: Caffeine Free Diet Coke, Diet Pepsi, Coke Zero, and more...<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"No sugar and no caffeine and it tastes bad. 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