An Appeal to Its Mercy

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I should have known.

I should have known when I launched the Minimed Minilink Continuous Glucose Monitor’s javelin-sized sensor at my abdomen, and it stopped halfway in.

I should have known when I tried to push it in that last half-inch, and I let out an involuntary whimper of pain as it refused.

I should have known when I felt the resistance of some member of my anatomical self crying out against my increasingly teary-eyed attempts to get that villainous sensor in there.

I should have known when I had to give up on that last sixteenth of an inch. And I should have known when I removed the needle to leave the sensor behind and saw large beads of blood forming around the sensor.

And when, in the morning, I saw that the sensor entry point had bled in the night, trapping a brown, gunky residue under its plastic sheath, I should have known.

I should have known the sensor would fail me, would lie to me, would lead me astray. But I left it, I tried to force it to work, so that I wouldn’t have to start again and punch another painful hole in my stomach.

And I should have known that morning when the reported glucose measurements jumped around erratically– 99 to 106 to 92 to 105. Or the first time I was 140 and the CGM kept reading in the low hundreds.

But I persisted; I kept trying, and hoping it would catch on, get into its groove.

But it didn’t. And that night I was 171, with the CGM still reading 104. So I gave in. And I pulled the deceitful sensor out, then went running, hand-on-tummy, to stop the sudden flow of blood from reaching my white pants.

Jerk. I trusted you. I tried. And you just couldn’t make it.

And I replace the sensor, breathing deeply as I press the inserter’s button, crying out again as it goes in, appealing to my husband for sympathy.

And I think of all the DexCom people out there, tsk-tsking, saying, “Our sensor is a charmer. A sweetheart.”

And I begin to do the cost-benefit analysisL Minimed pump/CGM integration minus the pain of the evil sensor minus reliability plus inertia plus the promise of a new, easier-to-use, second-generation sensor on its way. I of course won’t go CGM-less; but DexCom? How much better are the sensors, really?

And I sigh. Stupid abdomen. Stupid Medtronic Minimed torpedo sensor. I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you I love you. I hate you.

Please just love me.

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