I don’t even remember anymore when it started. I was young, impressionable and you were sly and oh so enticing. You knew you had me at my first bagel. You seduced and never abandoned me, no matter how much I tried. I can almost see you laughing at my clumsy attempts at portion control. I feel your snarky finger-pointing every time I read a box label. I saw your sarcastic smirk when I bought that Atkins audio book.
I know, I know… I’m a big boy (“thank you” for that), so I’m not saying that you took advantage of me – although you show up in so many places that I never expect. Maybe I have only myself to blame. No matter. As much as I “just can’t quit you” – and there is in fact, something wrong with that – I realize that I need to rip that caloric band-aid off my soul and go cold turkey… yes, I said TURKEY.
I don’t make this decision lightly. Thanks to you, there’s not much I do lightly to begin with, but I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve sat and stared into a bowl of cereal. I’ve stopped a slice of pizza just shy of my mouth and contemplated a future without you. I’ve made my decision, and as hard as it may be, I need to move on and start a new life without you. Please don’t hate me. We don’t need any more hate in this world. And if I’m truthful with myself, I know that I’m not special to you anyway. I know about the others, so don’t try to deny it.
I’m glad I’ve gotten this off my over-sized chest. Please don’t try to write me or convince me to have a Yodel, because this is absolutely the end of the road. I don’t want to sound mean, but I just know we need this time apart. Hell, maybe we’ll meet up again in the future. As Mr. Bruce Springsteen said; “Someday we’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny.”
So, this is the end. Thank you for being delicious, its meant a lot to me, but I promise, as God is my witness, that you won’t see me tasting the likes of you again. Except in popcorn, I just LOVE popcorn.