Dear Carbohydrates…

I don’t even remember anymore when it started.  I was young, impressionable and you were sly and oh so enticing.  You knew you had me at my first bagel.  You seduced  and never abandoned me, no matter how much I tried.  I can almost see you laughing at my clumsy attempts at portion control.  I feel your snarky finger-pointing every time I read a box label.  I saw your sarcastic smirk when I bought that Atkins audio book.

I know, I know… I’m a big boy (“thank you” for that), so I’m not saying that you took advantage of me – although you show up in so many places that I never expect.  Maybe I have only myself to blame.  No matter.  As much as I “just can’t quit you” – and there is in fact, something wrong with that – I realize that I need to rip that caloric band-aid off my soul and go cold turkey… yes, I said TURKEY.

I don’t make this decision lightly.  Thanks to you, there’s not much I do lightly to begin with, but I’ve thought long and hard about this.  I’ve sat and stared into a bowl of cereal.  I’ve stopped a slice of pizza just shy of my mouth and contemplated a future without you.   I’ve made my decision, and as hard as it may be, I need to move on and start a new life without you.  Please don’t hate me.  We don’t need any more hate in this world.  And if I’m truthful with myself, I know that I’m not special to you anyway.   I know about the others, so don’t try to deny it.

I’m glad I’ve gotten this off my over-sized chest.   Please don’t try to write me or convince me to have a Yodel, because this is absolutely the end of the road. I don’t want to sound mean, but I just know we need this time apart.  Hell, maybe we’ll meet up again in the future.   As Mr. Bruce Springsteen said; “Someday we’ll look back on this and it will all seem funny.”

So, this is the end.  Thank you for being delicious, its meant a lot to me, but I promise, as God is my witness, that you won’t see me tasting the likes of you again.    Except in popcorn, I just LOVE popcorn.

Gary Rudoren

Gary Rudoren is a writer amongst other things. The other things include being an actor, director, architect and photographer. Most recently he co-authored the humor bible, Comedy By The Numbers (published by McSweeneys). CBTN is now also a Book-On-Tape CD featuring many top comedians reading from the book. He is an alumni ensemble member of Chicago’s Annoyance Theatre.

View Author Blog